I have not posted since last Wednesday due to the fact that I took a major overdose of Diazepam and ended up in ICU in Campbelltown Hospital a few hours from where I live. I was intent on ending my life. I could no longer cope with the flashbacks of the abuse when I was a child nor the associated extreme anxiety that I was experiencing as a result.
I use Webster packs for my medication and they are given to me by my husband and locked in a safe otherwise. However, he had cleaned out our medicine cabinet in case there was any medications which would be dangerous for me and put them in the side pocket of the drivers door of the car to bring to the Chemist for disposal.
Unfortunately he asked me to get his wallet out of the car and I saw the Diazepam bottle and immediately slipped it into my pocket. I then went in and said I wanted to have a shower and took the medication. It was an unopened bottle so there were about fifty tablets in it. I was in ICU for five days and then on the Medical Ward two days. Now I’m in St John of Gods in Burwood, Sydney. I’m not safe to go home.
I know what is causing the extreme anxiety. It is related to abuse by a Priest when I was sixteen years old that went on for four days. The sixteen year old has come out as an alter (I have Dissociative Identity Disorder) and talked of her trauma with my psychotherapist. It is good that she can talk about it but it is awful that it is causing me such extreme anxiety.
I am seeing my psychotherapist on Friday and she’ll do EMDR on the sixteen year old and me myself to try to alleviate the anxiety and process the memories which are obviously very traumatic.
I am also experiencing horrible flashbacks.
Many people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) struggle in coping with flashbacks and dissociation, which may occur as a result of encountering triggers, that is, reminders of a traumatic event. To the extent that people are not aware of their triggers, flashbacks and dissociation can be incredibly disruptive and unpredictable events that are difficult to manage. However, you can take steps to better manage and prevent flashbacks and dissociation and stay in the present.
Flashbacks are considered one of the re-experiencing symptoms of PTSD. In a flashback, you may feel or act as though a traumatic event is happening again. A flashback may be temporary and you may maintain some connection with the present moment or you may lose all awareness of what’s going on around you, being taken completely back to your traumatic event. For example, a rape survivor, when triggered, may begin to smell certain scents or feel pain in her body similar to that which was experienced during her assault.
People with PTSD may also experience dissociation. Dissociation is an experience where you may feel disconnected from yourself and/or your surroundings. Similar to flashbacks, dissociation may range from temporarily losing touch with things that are going on around you, kind of like what happens when you daydream, to having no memories for a prolonged period of time and/or feeling as though you are outside of your body.
Know Your Triggers
In coping with flashbacks and dissociation, prevention is key. Flashbacks and dissociation are often triggered or cued by some kind of reminder of a traumatic event, for example, encountering certain people, or going to specific places, or some other stressful experience. Therefore, it’s important to identify the specific things that trigger flashbacks or dissociation.
By knowing what your triggers are, you can either try to limit your exposure to those triggers or, if that isn’t possible (which is often the case), you can prepare for them by devising devising ways to cope with your reaction to those triggers.
In addition to reducing flashbacks and dissociation, knowing your triggers may also help with other symptoms of PTSD, such as intrusive thoughts and memories of a traumatic event.
Identify Early Warning Signs
Flashbacks and dissociation may feel as though they come out of the blue and they may feel unpredictable and uncontrollable. However, there are often some early signs that you may be slipping into a flashback or a dissociative state. For example, your surroundings may begin to look fuzzy or you may feel as though you’re separating from or losing touch with your surroundings, other people, or even yourself.
Flashbacks and dissociation are easier to cope with and prevent if you can catch them early on. Therefore, it’s important to try to increase your awareness of their early symptoms. Next time you experience an episode, revisit what you were feeling and thinking just before the flashback or dissociation occurred. Try to identify as many early symptoms as possible. The more early warning signs you can come up with, the better able you will be to prevent future episodes.
Learn Grounding Techniques
As the name implies, grounding is a particular way of coping that is designed to “ground” you in the present moment. In doing so, you can retain your connection with the present moment and reduce the likelihood that you slip into a flashback or dissociation. In this way, grounding may be considered to be very similar to mindfulness.
To use grounding techniques, you want to use the five senses (sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight). To connect with the here and now, do something that will bring all your attention to the present moment. Here are a few grounding techniques you can try:
- Sound: Turn on loud music. Loud, jarring music will be hard to ignore. And as a result, your attention will be directed to that noise, bringing you into the present moment.
- Touch: Grip a piece of ice. If you notice that you’re slipping into a flashback or a dissociative state, hold onto a piece of ice. It will be difficult to direct your attention away from the extreme coldness of the ice, forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.
- Smell: Sniff some strong peppermint. When you smell something strong, it’s very hard to focus on anything else. In this way, smelling peppermint can bring you into the present moment, slowing down or stopping altogether a flashback or an episode of dissociation.
- Taste: Bite into a lemon. The sourness of a lemon and the strong sensation it produces in your mouth when you bite into it can force you to stay in the present moment.
- Sight: Take an inventory of everything around you. Connect with the present moment by listing everything around you. Identify all the colors you see. Count all the pieces of furniture around you. List off all the noises you hear. Taking an inventory of your immediate environment can directly connect you with the present moment.
Enlist the Help of Others
If you know that you may be at risk for a flashback or dissociation by going into a certain situation, bring along some trusted support. Make sure that the person you bring with you is also aware of your triggers and knows how to tell and what to do when you are entering a flashback or dissociative state.
I understand my triggers and my flashbacks and mostly I am able to apply the strategies above which work really well for me but unfortunately they didn’t last week. I’m not going to give up trying to cope with my CPTSD. I’m not going to let it defeat me.
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