Struggling With Dissociative Identity Disorder

I am struggling today. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder as well as CPTSD and I am switching alters all day. It is exhausting. I am ranging from the four year to the forty five year old but the most troubling is the sixteen year old who is a persecutory alter and is hell bent on my destruction. She blames me for not protecting her. Eileen is also a persecutory alter who wants to punish me for the acts the men perpetrated against me (I was the victim of a paedophile ring by my parents and a neighbour for fourteen years in Ireland). Eileen has been responsible for a lot of self harm and suicide attempts but thankfully she is not active today and is not joining the other alters as I switch in and out.

The sixteen year old has been getting me to stash my night time medication and store it in my dressing gown. I wait until my husband is asleep by continuing to read longer than him and then hide the medication. I know it is wrong but she just takes over and tells me what to do and I am powerless to do anything about it. She won’t let me tell my husband or therapist. No amount of explaining to her that I did the best I could under the circumstances changes her mind, she still blames me. Why didn’t I stop the men? Why didn’t I run away? Why didn’t I tell a neighbour? Why didn’t I tell someone at school?

These all sound like reasonable questions when asked by the logic of an adult but when you have been groomed from the age of four to know nothing else but abuse and are desperately trying to get love and approval from your Mother it is a totally different scenario. I so wanted my Mother to love me. I would have done anything for her, despite her beatings, starvation and locking me in the bedroom of the Hotel for days on end seeing no one. It was a very warped and lonely childhood.

The ironic aspect of persecutor alters is they are protective of the host as well as being detrimental to it.

The persecutor frequently protects the host through scare tactics; through fear and intimidation. In order for this scare tactic to work the host must be convinced of the persecutor’s capacity and willingness (even desire) to use the utmost in force and destructiveness. The persecutor must, in short, be viewed: “a fearsome, loathsome, demon-like entity.

When confronted with threats arising from the host’s behavior the persecutor appears to say to the host: “I’ll do such and such horrible thing if (or unless) you do thus and so.” When the danger posed comes from outside the system the persecutor uses the same scare tactics, trying to impress the intruder (in this case the therapist) with his or her ferocity and proclivity to violence. So my sixteen year old alter views my husband and therapist as a threat and is trying to protect me from them.

This case is also one in which the host, throughout adolescence and into adulthood, maintained contact with her abusers. The persecutor therefore becomes increasingly loaded with hostility toward the host, to the point were the original protective function is lost to consciousness.

Finally, it should be obvious that the persecutor who uses threats of violence to protect the host may be quite worried about either the host or therapist uncovering the underlying protective intent for to do so is, in essence, to disarm the power of the threat.

I just hope that through EMDR with my therapist the sixteen year old alter comes out and tells the therapist the plan. It has happened in the past that alters have told the therapist of plans and averted a crisis. So fingers crossed on Thursday that happens again.

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    • Thanks Michelle. I really appreciate your comment. It means a lot. I do hope revealing my story allows others to tell their stories too and perhaps talk openly about suicide caused by PTSD and trauma. Hope you’re well. All the best Erin.

      • I believe in the power of telling our stories and it’s something that I am extremely passionate about. I’m full of gratitude for you Erin and your story. It’s a gift to the world 🙂

  1. I hope that you can reach an agreement with her. I have alters who have been persecutory, but nothing to the degree that yours are. It was talking to me viciously and saying things to scare me. I can only imagine how scary this is for you and how you need to fear being physically injured with the intent to end your life at times is to cope with.

    • Thanks for your comment. She is very forceful and went through enormous trauma so she’s very angry. I don’t know when I switch to an alter so have little control over what she does. If I go to get rid of the stash of medication I switch to her immediately and she stops me. It’s not a good situation. Hoping the therapist can do something. Hope you’re doing well. All the best Erin.

  2. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You are so brave and I hope you hug your alters so tight they become a part of you and you can finally heal

    • Thanks so much for your comment and good wishes. I am hoping to that the alters become integrated so I can heal. My psychotherapist is working very hard on it with EMDR.

  3. Wow, thank you for sharing your story, and actually everything I’ve read on CPTSD PTSD and this one on DID helps me so much!! I have ADHD, CPTSD and then came the finals piece of the puzzle a year ago….DID just like you. I’ve made so much progress (well, if I think about it, it doesn’t appear to be a lot but it is to me) but I’ve been struggling with understanding different aspects of this disorder and this helped years worth of therapy click!! Thank you!!

    I have a grasp on some of the questions I’ve wrestled with or it gave me a clear start to help make sense of the pieces I get.

    It does sounds different than what I’ve since experienced, but I can relate. I wonder why it’s still so different for me. I’m so thankful I found your blog because it’s so helpful!!! Like I am all grins right now!! I spent soooo long trying to find help (when I’m not at my T) to wrap my head around it and not panic, but i found that I got worse watching the wrong YouTube videos I found. I’ve been doing video journals since day one and one of my parts has been wanting to do a blog/YT but worry about the safety of that. Actually, it’s more me and a few of my parts that are scared, but I think to keep a better track of things.

    Omg, I didn’t know I wrote that much!! I really enjoyed it and please keep up the good work!! Maybe I’ll start to understand all the stuff that’s going on. Take care!!

    • Hi, Melissa great to hear from you. It is good to hear that you are making progress with your therapist. Every bit of progress is invaluable and shouldn’t be discounted, so good work. DID is such a complicated Disorder to deal with as some of the alters can be very problematic. It sounds like you have a mixed back. It would be awesome if you could make a blog about your experiences. Others would benefit also from hearing about your experience. I am glad the article resonated with you. There are other articles on DID on the site. Just go to the search engine and type in DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder. You might find them useful. Good luck with your recovery and remember how brave you are. Believe in yourself. All the best Erin

      • Wow, that was fast!!! Thanks for the response!! I subbed to your blog all ready and from the looks of it I have some awesome stuff to read. That’s the first time I’ve truly opened up online about it….makes me a little uneasy but not like I thought. So, I actually think I will start a blog asap! it’s a good first step in, i have way to much content. I mean sooooo many journals but I think I will do that (i hope, I have tried several times wit video blog and nothing makes it up and they get deleted).

        but one of the main parts is my teenage part Echo and she’s the one (at least so far, i’m supposed to keep talking just in case there is more than the 12) that would be impulsive and messy. Tornado really, but actually I feel like she’s grown up a little over the past few months, like simmering down. granted, I can only go off what my husband says, T or the video journals if i want to know what happened. she has been co-conscious with me before but it’s mostly passive influence or a full switch.

        okay, i didn’t realize I had so much to say and surprised even by it, so forgive me for the novel. again, so glad I found you!!!


  4. Hi, there. I have been diagnosed with PTSD this year, however I also have prolonged trauma that seems to have affected me in the way that CPTSD rather would have. How did your psychiatrist come to the conclusion of CPTSD, and did they use a newer diagnostic manual, since present ones do not include CPTSD?

    If you can answer these questions, thanks. I’m still learning the psychiatric professional culture, and the divide between so many professionals and their point of view on mental health topics and diagnosises.

    • Hi, if you have prolonged trauma then you would definitely have Complex PTSD. PTSD is exposure to one event that cuases the symtoms where Complex PTSD is where you have been repeatedly experienced trauama over an extended time. Here is an article that might explain it to you in more detail. Don’t hesitate to contact me on if you have any other questions. All the best Erin

      • Thanks a lot. I think I may be working with uninformed or insensitive mental health professionals, because they never even considered the possibility, regardless of knowing my childhood backstory.

      • If you feel you have DID you need to find a health professional who specialises in it. Not all psychiatrist and psychologists are up to speed on the latest research into the disabling disorder. The good news is it toally treatable through EMDR and psychotherapy. Your challenge is to find the right practitioner. Good luck.

I would love to hear from you so please leave a comment. All feedback is much appreciated. Thank you. Erin

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