Home At Last

I came home from the St. John of God Clinic last Friday after six weeks. It was a long six weeks but necessary due to suicidality and self-harm. My admission was due to a serious medications overdose that lead to a week in ICU and another week on a medical ward before being admitted to the Clinic so I haven’t been home for a total of eight weeks.

I missed the flowering the daffodils and camellias but the drought still rages on with not a drop of rain in sight. We haven’t seen rain for ten months on the farm. We have de-stocked as it was becoming too expensive to feed and the cost of hay has gone through the roof. The paddocks look very empty. The only things feeding down there now on the bare ground are geese and kangaroos with the odd wombat wandering through. Bit sad really. We are not doing it nearly as tough as the farmers inland near the Mountains. No drought relieve from the Government either.

My mental health is stable. I am not suicidal in myself at the moment which is great. I had many intensive sessions with my psychiatrist and went out for appointments with my psychotherapist so I kept up with my treatment. We worked on the shame and guilt I am carrying for the abuse I suffered from the paedophile ring and my father/mother and the witnessing of the murder of several young children by the men who raped them. The grooming techniques that the men used were expert. They transferred all the shame and guilt for their actions onto me and made me feel responsible for what they were doing and that lives with me to this day.

It also caused my Dissociative Identity Disorder and many alters, one of whom is Eileen, a persecutor Alter, who is intent on my death. She drives the self-harm and suicide attempts. The psychotherapist has struck a bargain with her at the moment that she will not act between sessions having convinced her that there is another way to deal with the punishment of me that she attributes to me for the mens actions. She blames me for the atrocities that they committed towards me and the other children. Through EMDR the psychotherapist is able to encode a positive message to me not to act on my suicidal ideation and gets a promise from Eileen.

It’s a great start to being home and a great omen for my future treatment.

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7 comments

    • Thanks for your good wishes. It’s great to hear from you. I too, hope that the promise holds. She may be a dangerous alter but she’s pretty honest and once she gives a promise she has always kept it so that’s good. Hope all is well with you. All the best Erin.

  1. I’m glad you are home! I share similar experiences to you, including guilt and shame for what my parents and the other abusers did, even though it’s not my fault. And I have persecutor parts/alters who blame me for it. I’m happy that EMDR worked for you. I haven’t tried it and might ask my T about it. I also just came home from a month stay at a hospital about a month ago.

    • Good to hear from you. Yes ask your Therapist about EMDR. I have found it very effective at processing traumatic memories and making them tolerable. It is none intrusive and you can take it at your own pace. It is good for patients with DID too who are particularly difficult to treat. Good luck coming home from hospital. Hope all goes well for you. I understand where you’re at. It’s not easy is it? All the best Erin

      • No, it’s not easy, but I find that I am beginning to integrate some of those memories. I’m going to ask my T about EMDR during my next session.

      • Great. Good to ask her. There are other alternatives that are similar if she doesn’t do EMDR such as Tapping or Bilateral Stimulation which also bring about great results. They are all about mimicking the REM Stage of sleep in your brain and help with processing the memories. Good luck.

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I would love to hear from you so please leave a comment. All feedback is much appreciated. Thank you. Erin

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