I’ve been home from the Clinic in Burwood just over a week now and settling back into being home. It hasn’t been easy. The routine of the Clinic is very useful in dealing with the flashbacks from my childhood trauma and the staff there understand my alters that switch constantly from my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Here in the real world that help is not so readily available.
My husband understands and copes well. My psychotherapist and psychiatrist have no problem with the switching and just communicate with whatever alter presents, skillfully bringing me back to the present to my fifty seven year old self. Without that re-orientation I can stay in an alter state for over two hours. It is very discombobulating to say the least because I don’t remember what I say or do when I have switched to an alter so if no one is around I have no way of knowing what I have done.
This is particularly dangerous because I have two persecutor alters who are always intent on self-harm and suicide so if I switch to either of them and I am unsupervised the outcome is not good as we have found out so many times. My husband does an amazing job at supervising me but it is impossible to watch me 24/7. Life has to go on.
One of the persecutor alters is a seventeen year old who was sexually abused many times by several men, had a baby that was taken away and witnessed the murder of a two year old by three boys roughly the same age as her. The head of the paedophile ring was present and witnessed the whole sordid affair and made her watch as they repeatedly defiled her until her little body could take no more and she just died. The seventeen year alter blames herself for all the things that happened and self-harms as a form of punishment. She believes she has no self-worth. She believes fervently that she should have stopped them abusing the little girl even though she couldn’t possibly have done anything against four others, one a six foot four, big burly man.
I am currently experiencing violent flashbacks of this incident and re-experiencing the whole torrid episode. I keep switching to the seventeen year old and wanting to self-harm. So far my husband has prevented me from doing anything luckily but it is just a matter of time before an opportunity presents itself.
“Persecutor Alters” referred to are viewed in two different ways.
1. If the person experienced ritual abused then persecutor alter(s) is “demon(s)” put into the victim by suggestion through brainwashing and torture over an extended period of time. The victim is put into a high degree of suggestibility by deprivation of sleep, food and drugged. A victim perceives persecutor alters as one of their own alters but are in fact they are just a mirror image of one or more alters in the host system. These “mirror images or persecutor alters” have no eyes and are not a part of host’s Soul. This type of symbolic representations or persecutor alters generally create constant crisis and chaos for the victim internally and in his or her external life. Persecutor alters adhere strictly to the rules, beliefs, behavior, and values that the abuser or group set forth by force. The victim was made to verbally promise to adhere to for the rest of his or her life at the penalty of death. Persecutor alters sabotage the victim all the time.
2. The second-way persecutor alters are viewed is that they are a “resistant alter(s)” that abide completely by the rules, behaviours, beliefs, expectations, and /or values of their abuser. These types of alters tend to not believe or accept the “host system” because no one helped or saved them. This type had been singled out from the other alters and were put through intense emotional excitement to make sure that the rules, behaviours, beliefs, expectations, and /or values of the abuser would embed into the subconscious. These alter(s) are unknowingly affectionately attached and completely loyal to the abuser. Persecutor alters are unable or willing to attach to the host system or authentically view the reality. They are stuck in the past and in a toxic relationship. Crisis and chaos is the only life they know.
The second one is the one that applies to me. The seventeen year old even though she wanted to save the little girl remains loyal to the abuser and is totally seperate from the other alters and does not mix with them. She is actively hostile towards them refusing sometimes to let them switch and come out to talk to my psychotherapist. It makes therapy very difficult. I am very afraid of what she is likely to do and it is out of my control. We are working towards integration of the alters and have achieved it with three of them but we’re a long way from integrating the pesecutors. As long as they identity and protect the abuser and take the shame and guilt on themselves integration is impossible. Shame is perhaps one of the most difficult emotions to deal with and she is riddled with it.
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