I’ve just come back from my Psychotherapy appointment and boy what an appointment it was!!!
The alters came out in force. They were determined to have their say having been relatively dormant for the last two months. I have had a rest from all of them which has been an enormous relief but out they popped today.
First, it was the seventeen-year-old who is a persecutor alter. She said that the truce is over. That she doesn’t care what bargaining has been made with the therapist to not cut Erin but she wasn’t going to keep it any longer. She had an overwhelming need to cut and would do so as a form of punishment for Erin not protecting the other children in the paedophile ring. The therapist explained that there was nothing Erin could have done. That she was as much a victim as the other children and went onto explain survivor guilt. The seventeen-year-old started crying and saying that the Mother alter had the control and was telling her to cut and not to keep the bargain. She was powerless over the Mother alter who rang the ‘system’.
Then I suddenly switched to the eighteen-year-old alter who spoke about having to live on the streets of Dublin and being taken in by the Salvation Army. She too said she had a need for punishment but said God was telling her to do it as atonement for her sins and for the things she did with the men. The therapist replied that God was a loving God and would not tell Erin to punish herself in this way for acts that she had no control over and was a victim off. She too said the bargain was off and she was going to cut and there was nothing the therapist could do about it.
From there I switched to the Mother alter. Boy, was she angry with the therapist for talking to the other alters. She said she had no right to communicate with them or influence them in any way. She was the controller of the alters and not the therapist and the therapist should remember that. She then went on to throw cushions around the room, the tissue box, her phone, the therapists’ notes, basically anything she could get her hands on. She basically had a tantrum!!! She told the therapist she hated her and everything she stood for and wouldn’t be seeing her again no matter what “that man” (that is what she called my husband) said. Besides she wouldn’t be alive to do so.
I then switched back to my fifty seven year old self. I had been co-present for the entire appointment so knew exactly what had transacted. I was devastated. So the bargain to not cut or attempt suicide between the alters and my psychotherapist was off. I was to be exposed to the alters activities again. My husband would have to go through the hypervigilance of constantly supervising me again. It would dominate our lives once again. I can only hope that nothing happens between now and my next appointment in three days time to give the therapist a chance to work with the alters and get them to change their minds. She’s done it before, she can do it again, I hope.
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