I had my first appointment today with my psychotherapist since discharge from the Clinic in Burwood. It was so good to be back in her familiar rooms in Campbelltown where I normally see. I saw her a few times while I was in the Clinic but it was at her Stanmore rooms.

It was a very interesting appointment on many levels, starting with before I even got to her. We were driving along the Freeway when I suddenly asked my husband, “Who are you?” “It’s Andy, Erin”, he replied a bit shocked to say the least!!! “Who are you?” I replied I’m Erin”. “Yes, but what age are you?” he asked. “18”, came the answer. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder also known as Multiple Personality Disorder, as well as Complex PTSD.

So here he was with the 18-year old alter who he had never met before sitting in his car, who didn’t know him, didn’t know where she was or where she was going. He explained all that to her but she just said, “No, we’re in Ireland and it’s 1980”. He decided to not argue with her but just told her she was safe and he was there to look after to her.

They got to the appointment and he introduced the 18 Alter to the psychotherapist who hadn’t met her before either. The alter started to cry she was so scared. Nothing made any sense to her. Who were these people and what did they mean about it being Australia and 2019?. They persuaded her to go into the therapist’s room and my husband, at her request, stayed. The therapist asked her to tell them something about herself. She said she had been kicked out of home and told to drive to Dublin and not come back which she did but now she was desperately homesick. She lived in the car for six weeks and eventually got to know other teenagers who were living on the street. Where she parked the car first was not safe. Men kept coming to the window asking for sex so Maeve and Patrick two new friends said they could show Erin a safe place to park her car.

One day they brought along a woman from The Salvation Army who introduced herself as Mary. She gave the 18-year old alter a sandwich which she ate hungrily as all the money her parents had given her was well gone so food was hard to come by. She had resorted to begging on the streets with the other young people. Mary wanted her to come and live in the Salvation Army Hostel where some of the young people lived, like Maeve and Patrick. The 18-year alter said “No, she wasn’t leaving her car”. Mary explained that the car could come too. It would be safer in the hostel and she would get three meals a day. She could still see her friends too. She came everyday to speak to Erin with a sandwich and to reiterate the offer of coming to live in the hostel. One day the 18-year alter relented and went with Mary. There she found a warm welcome and the first safe house she had ever known. After a few weeks, The Salvation Army started to ask gentle questions about where I had come from and what had caused me to end up on the streets of Dublin. Slowly the story of the paedophile ring came out, my parents involvement, Mick Wafer and all the other men, priests, high level politicians from both England and Ireland and other local men, the other children, being locked in the room for days on end with no food to make me compliant and the use of alcohol from the age of four too. She told them the whole story. She said she still loved her Mother and Father and wanted to go home but Mary said that would not be a safe place for me to be.

At that point I switched back to my 57 year present day self totally unaware of what had happened.

My therapist talked me through what had happened, explaining that I had reported what had happened to me and the other children to The Salvation Army even though I thought I believed I never had. It was a huge relief. held terrible shame and guilt about that.I suffered from awful suvivor guilt. Were they able to do anything about it I don’t know because a month later they had organised for me and Maeve to migrate to Australia where I live to this day. Tonight I am exhausted but glad that alter came out and told her story and that my husband got to hear it.

He then left the room and we did EMDR to process what had just happened. It went well and I feel lighter and less suicidal than I have in a long time. Long may it last.

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