An Alter And My Worst Nightmare

I am going into my third week in the Clinic and my worst nightmare has happened.

Up until now the persecutor alters, of which I have two, a Mother alter and a seventeen-year-old who have always been intent on my suicide and self-harm but have never threatened anyone else but yesterday I switched into the Mother alter and when I switched back to myself I discovered written in Gaelic (IRISH) elaborate and detailed plans to kill my husband because he was interfering with the killing of Erin through his scrupulous and meticulous supervision of her to prevent self-harm and suicide attempts. This had made the Mother Alter very angry and she had had enough and wanted him out of the picture.

I was devastated. It was my worst nightmare come through that one of the alters would harm someone else and here one of them was threatening to kill the person I loved most in the world. Luckily I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and told him straight away. She wouldn’t let me tell him the plan but would let me tell him my intentions. I told my psychotherapist on on the telephone I was so upset.

He asked to speak to the Mother alter so I switched and out she came and she confirmed what I had said, saying he had to be killed for interfering in her plans. The psychiatrist said that there was no way that he would allow that to happen. He wanted the Mother alter to do EMDR with him but she flatly refused. He tried various ways to try to persuade her but nothing worked. I was due for discharge next week but he told her that that wouldn’t be happening now due to the sucidality and homicidality. It was too dangerous both for me and my husband.

I switched back and he repeated what he had told the Mother about discharge. I was relieved. It would give him more time to work with me to treat the alters. He explained she refused EMDR from him so he was going to organise for me to see my psychotherapist in the hopes that she would agree to do it with her as she knew her better and trusted her more. If she can do EMDR with her there is a strong chance that she can get her to change her mind or at least persuade her to wait until they do more treatment helping all the alters including her to feel better. She was formed as a defence mechanism against the perpetrators of the abuse Erin suffered when she was a child from 4-18. She is an alter in pain too. She self-harms because she blames herself for the abuse and is guilty and ashamed. That deserves treatment. They just have to persuade her to wait and receive treatment.

I have never been so worried about anything in my life before. I never thought this could happen.

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4 comments

  1. Oh, I am so sorry that it has come to this. I cannot imagine how you are feeling. Thank goodness she wrote her plans down so you could see what was going on. Perhaps, she wrote this down so that she wouldn’t do it and end up in jail? I certainly don’t know. One of my alters years ago was horribly abusive verbally to me and he changed into being a friend when he realized that he no longer needed to keep the memories from me. But, your mother alter needs psychotherapy and this will take much time and she is unwilling. I don’t know that it will help, but if you want you can tell her that another person with DID says that children are not to be blamed for being sexually abused. It is always the abusers who are guilty and they keep it a secret because it would shame them if their heinous acts were found out by the public. They could end up in jail because it is against the law. They are liars who tell the child that it is the child’s fault so the child will keep the secret. “they did wrong, not me” was something I used to write again and again when I was dealing with the guilt I felt. Anyway, I write these things to you to try to be helpful so forgive me if I have stepped over any line. My faith comes and goes but I will pray for you.

    • Morning, thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement and support. I truly appreciate and need them. My psychiatrist is terrific and so is my psychotherapist and they are going to work intensively over the next two weeks that I am in the clinic to try to get through to the alter and convince her that she is not to blame for what happened and therefore has no need to punish herself so, in turn, will not hurt my husband. They will be doing EMDR every day. You haven’t overstepped the line at all. Hearing of your struggle with your alter helps me enormously. I will tell of all that you have said and tell my psychotherapist as well. It is very useful information. Thanks once again. Erin.

  2. Your struggles are so intense! I want to encourage you that it may seem like a dark cloud now, but I feel like you have the resources, help, and ability to get through this! I don’t know you, but I do feel connected to you for some reason; from the first time I read one of your posts. Keep faith that this isn’t the end, but a beginning. Also, I like the clinic Dr.

    • Hi Stephanie, thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement and support. I truly appreciate and need them. My psychiatrist is terrific and so is my psychotherapist and they are going to work intensively over the next two weeks that I am in the clinic to try to get through to the alter and convince her that she is not to blame for what happened and therefore has no need to punish herself so, in turn, will not hurt my husband. They will be doing EMDR every day. Thanks once again. Erin.

I would love to hear from you so please leave a comment. All feedback is much appreciated. Thank you. Erin

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