I am going into my third week in the Clinic and my worst nightmare has happened.
Up until now the persecutor alters, of which I have two, a Mother alter and a seventeen-year-old who have always been intent on my suicide and self-harm but have never threatened anyone else but yesterday I switched into the Mother alter and when I switched back to myself I discovered written in Gaelic (IRISH) elaborate and detailed plans to kill my husband because he was interfering with the killing of Erin through his scrupulous and meticulous supervision of her to prevent self-harm and suicide attempts. This had made the Mother Alter very angry and she had had enough and wanted him out of the picture.
I was devastated. It was my worst nightmare come through that one of the alters would harm someone else and here one of them was threatening to kill the person I loved most in the world. Luckily I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and told him straight away. She wouldn’t let me tell him the plan but would let me tell him my intentions. I told my psychotherapist on on the telephone I was so upset.
He asked to speak to the Mother alter so I switched and out she came and she confirmed what I had said, saying he had to be killed for interfering in her plans. The psychiatrist said that there was no way that he would allow that to happen. He wanted the Mother alter to do EMDR with him but she flatly refused. He tried various ways to try to persuade her but nothing worked. I was due for discharge next week but he told her that that wouldn’t be happening now due to the
I switched back and he repeated what he had told the Mother about discharge. I was relieved. It would give him more time to work with me to treat the alters. He explained she refused EMDR from him so he was going to organise for me to see my psychotherapist in the hopes that she would agree to do it with her as she knew her better and trusted her more. If she can do EMDR with her there is a strong chance that she can get her to change her mind or at least persuade her to wait until they do more treatment helping all the alters including her to feel better. She was formed as a defence mechanism against the perpetrators of the abuse Erin suffered when she was a child from 4-18. She is an alter in pain too. She self-harms because she blames herself for the abuse and is guilty and ashamed. That deserves treatment. They just have to persuade her to wait and receive treatment.
I have never been so worried about anything in my life before. I never thought this could happen.
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