Today at my psychotherapy appointment it was particularly difficult. I have been having extreme urges to self-harm again driven by my seventeen year old alter who is consumed by guilt and shame for the abuse that happened to her all those years ago in the 1970 and 80s in Ireland. She blames herself for the abuse and for the abuse that happened to the other children that were brought to the room that she was kept in in the Hotel her parents owned. I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder as a result of that abuse and as a result alters were formed as a protective mechanism to help me cope with the reality of the hell I was living in.

The seventeen year old alter switched in therapy today and came out to the therapist. She was confused by why she was being prevented from cutting to punish herself. The therapist explained that she had nothing to be blamed for. No reason to be ashamed. The men were the evil ones. Her Mother and Father were in the wrong for organising the paedophile ring, that the alter was a mere child and thus a victim in the whole affair. The alter said her Mother called her the “Devil’s Child” and that she deserved to be punished by God for her Sins and that was what the men were doing. She believed she was a bad girl and her Mother was right. She was told by the therapist that God did not punish in that way. God was a loving God and did not punish especially not innocent children which is what the alter was, she said. She then went on to explain that the alter eventually grew up and moved to Australia where she met a man called Mark who loved her very much and she had four beautiful children with him who loved and adored her. This confused the seventeen year old terribly. How could she exist now in 1979, yet exist in 2019 with Mark. She started to cry.

Then she asked if she could meet Mark. The therapist said she thought this was a very good idea. She rang him on her mobile phone and on loud speaker so the alter could hear the conversation and listen to his voice by way of introduction. He said he would be there immediately. He arrived five minutes later. The alter pointed to the furthest chair in the room for him to sit in. She was terrified of him and burst out crying. The therapist came and sat on the couch beside her and held her hand and started talking to Mark asking who he was, where he was from etc. Then she asked the alter what questions she had. She immediately asked if he was going to hurt her. The therapist clarified that question. “She means are you going to try to have sex with her?” Mark gave an immediate response of “No, I am not going to hurt you in any way. I love you and care for you”. He told her about the four children they had. She again was confused which he said was okay that he would introduce them to her one day when she was ready. The alter then asked if he knew her Mother and Father. He said he did and that they were not very nice. The therapist interjected and said that it was okay the alter could think what she wanted about her parents but what they did was not okay. She said this because the alter was very religious and had professed many times to love her parents and the therapist did not want to upset her by Mark saying anything too negative about them at this stage. At that point the alter said she wanted to go so Mark left and I switched back to my fifty six year old self.

I don’t remember anything of the meeting. I am rarely co-present when switching so rely on others to tell me what happens. It’s very frustrating. You lose time and memories. It was wonderful that the seventeen year old met my husband. That is huge step forward. The more alters he meets and gets to know the better. It’s very upsetting for him to hear about my past but he wants to know as he knows it helps me and it also contributes towards integration the ultimate aim of therapy. The more alters that can trust my psychiatrist, psychotherapist and my husband the more healing takes place. I am now co-present with three alters and they communicate with each other. That’s fantastic. So progress is being made.

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