Part of the reason I came into the Clinic this time is I am suicidal. I have a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness so strong like I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s as a result of the flashbacks I am having of the birth of my baby when I was seventeen that was taken away from me and I never saw her again. I am trying to find her now but it’s a long shot thirty years later. Christmas is always a bad time of the year for me because she was born in early January so it’s a reminder every year since the memories came back to me six years ago.
Yesterday I had session with my psychologist where he directly talked about my suicidality head on. He did not beat around the bush. He confronted me with it. How did I see it he wanted to know. “What did he mean?” I asked. “Exactly that”, He said “How do you see it. How do you imagine it looks like when it’s done. What will you look like. What will you look like to your family?”
He asked what methods I was going to use and asked me to imagine what I would look like when it was completed and my family found me and what would they find. Would I be lying peacefully asleep or would I be hanging from the ceiling, blue in the face or lying in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor. Would it be pleasant for them to find me, did I think? What impact did I think it would have on them? Would they be happy? Would they be at peace now?
He assured me the impact on them would be devastating and would remain with them forever and they would never recover from finding me like that. It would have a catastrophic impact on their lives. The lives would never be the same again. There would be a hole there forever that nothing would heal. I would be at peace but they would not.
It let an awful image in my head. I had never imagined my family finding me. I had never pictured it vividly it in my head like he was getting me to do now so bluntly. It shocked me. Really shocked me. I did not want to do that to them. That is not how I wanted to leave them, hurt them, scar them.
The psychologist has turned my world upside down. I am still suicidal but can I leave my family in that way that. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I can do it to them. I don’t think I can hurt them in that way. I had just never projected beyond the act of killing myself. He had taken a step further and forced me to think of others. Those nearest and dearest to me. I will just have to find a way to live with this sense of hopelessness and worthlessness and find a way forward but I can’t let my family find me like that.
I am angry at him for using the imagery to get me to project me to the next level of what suicide does to the a family. I know why he did it and it was very clever and it probably worked but I feel manipulated. Then again that’s his job to find clear and concise ways to bring the reality of ones actions to the fore.
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