I’ve had six weeks without any self-harm. That’s the first time in four years that I have gone that long. It’s fantastic. It’s a real milestone. There’s been a few near misses where the alters have come out and I have got a blade out but I didn’t do it. Miraculous!!!! So here I am following through with the treatment plan and back in the Clinic at Burwood for two weeks of intensive treatment to get me through Christmas and build up on the work we’ve been doing.
Three alters are integrated but the two that do the self-harm are still loose cannons. This afternoon the ‘Mother Alter’ who is intent on my death sent my husband and son a text in Gaelic when I switched saying she didn’t want to be in the Clinic and he should stop interfering in her plans. It took the staff nearly an hour to get me out of that dissociated state. I kept saying that God had told me that I had to kill Erin. That it was my job and I had to go home and do it and they were stopping me. So clearly my psychiatrist has some work to do. Eventually the psychologist came in and did an exercise called Back of The Head Scale with me that brought me back. I don’t ever remember anything about being dissociated so I rely on people telling me about what I have said and done. The evidence was there clearly on my phone and I could translate it for my husband. Pretty upsetting for him.
I am trying to process the birth of a baby I had when I was seventeen that I gave birth to on my own in a hotel room. My Mother came in immediately afterwards and took the baby with the cord and afterbirth still attached away without me even getting to hold the baby. She just left me there in a pool of blood totally confused about what happened. She didn’t explain anything to me or tell me where she was taking the baby. She never told me. It is that baby and the one I had when I was fifteen that I am trying to find now. How heartless can one woman be?
At my last appointment with my psychotherapist we did EMDR and I went into the birth of the baby and went through the entire process from start to finish including being dropped back to the house where I was working as a childcarer for three small children. I was incapable of doing anything except going to bed and crying. I cried for three days solid. I was heartbroken that it had happened again. The Housekeeper obviously knew as she just brought me food and cups of tea and kept the children away for three days. On day four the youngest (my favourite) came in and got into bed with me and cuddled me. It restored me and I got up and took him out and led him for a ride on his pony. I knew I just had to get on with my life. I wasn’t going to see that baby again. I was resigned to that now but I had Ciaran so I would put my energy into him. He would bring me back to life.
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