Yesterday in Therapy my thirteen-year-old Alter finally switched and came out and talked to my psychotherapist. She has been wanting to for a long time but has been hesitant too as she has been very scared and worried because she is riddled with shame and guilt.
Why you ask would a thirteen-year-old be riddled with shame and guilt? Well, it’s because she blames herself for all the sexual and physical abuse perpetrated against her since she was four. She is scared that she will be judged for that. Also, she is very confused about an incident that happened that she doesn’t understand and that is what has finally made her come out to ask the therapist to explain it to her.
She goes on to say that she got fat and her tummy got round and then one day her Mother took her into the bedroom and made her drink lots of Vodka and Coke until she could barely stand up. Then her Mother started beating her. Kicking her to the ground, kicking her viciously in the stomach repeatedly with her high heeled shoes which were red. She punched her with her fists also but mainly kicked her and always in the stomach. Even if Erin tried to turn away her Mother simply stepped over her and continued the kicking. Suddenly Erin started feeling sharp pains in her lower back and stomach and spasms of pain went through her like waves of unbearable power. She screamed for her Mother to stop telling her what was happening. Her Mother stopped and left the room and locked the door.
The waves of spasms grew and grew. Blood began to come out of between the thirteen-year old’s legs and eventually out slipped a baby, shortly after followed by the afterbirth and more blood. The thirteen-year-old did not know it was a baby. She had no idea she had given birth. She was in total shock. The baby was blue and did not make a sound or take a breath. The Mother came back into the room and wrapped the baby and afterbirth in a towel and took them away leaving the confused daughter alone in the pool of blood with no explanation. She sobbed uncontrollably as she told this incident to the therapist yesterday and begged her to explain what had happened.
The therapist firstly said that she had nothing to be ashamed or guilty for. She had done nothing wrong and then went on to gently explain to the alter that she had had a baby. That because the men were having sex with her that lead to a pregnancy hence childbirth. The thirteen-year-old found it impossible to believe but did believe it not recognising what she had was a baby but was bereft because it didn’t cry. She realised it was dead. The therapist explained that the beating her Mother gave her brought on the birth early, most likely, and killed the baby. It was intentional.
The thirteen-year-old just stared into the distance and cried silently while the therapist said comforting words. Eventually, she switched back to present day Erin. The therapist explained what had happened as I never remember what happens when I switch. The story co-relates with what actually happened to me. That alter was formed out of that traumatic episode but with no understanding of what had occurred and why. It is a crucial part of Integration that each Alter understands their experiences so it was a really good outcome that the thirteen-year-old came out and could be given an explanation, painful though it was. It also allowed me to do some grieving for that baby.
It was a successful though harrowing therapy session.
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