A few weeks ago, after much agonising and tormenting and endless discussions with my psychotherapist and partner I decided to go and search for the two surviving children that I gave birth to in my teenage years in Ireland as a result of sexual abuse because of being a victim of a paedophile ring for fourteen years in the 1960/70s. I actually had three births but the first at thirteen, was stillborn in 1974.
The second I gave birth to in 1977 in January in a Hotel bedroom where I was kept. My Mother came in straight afterwards and took the baby and afterbirth away and left me alone not explaining anything. I did not understand what had happened. I did not know how I had become pregnant nor how I had given birth only that that I had become fat, experience great spasms of pain and a baby appeared between my legs. I was in total shock. She just left me there lying on the ground in a pool of blood, alone. She didn’t come back for hours. When she did she just told me to get up and get in the shower and get cleaned up. I was terrified of her so did as I was told without question and then got into bed. I never spoke to her of that event again.
The third birth played out pretty much the same in July 1979 in the same room. Again alone with her coming in after the birth and taking the baby and afterbirth away immediately. I didn’t even get a chance to hold it. Both were girls. Black haired girls. Pink, healthy, mewling, crying to be picked up but she wouldn’t have it. She whisked them away and I never knew what happened to them.
I am ready now to find out. I have been in touch with a Detective Sergeant in the Police Force Child Protection Unit in Dublin Castle in Ireland regarding my sexual abuse case so I contacted him for appropriate Agencies to contact if one wanted to trace a child in a situation such as mine where I have such little information. He gave me several leads and they have all got in touch. They have been fantastic. So supportive and understanding. They have been able to tell me that no births were registered in my name or my Mother’s name around that time but as there are so many women like me in Ireland who had babies taken from them around the same time a special Agency has been set up to deal specifically with cases just like mine where the birth Mother was only a child herself and had little information about what happened to the baby.
They are called Tusla and they are calling me tonight at 10.30 pm Australia time. I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. I have been in email correspondence with them and given them as much information as I could so they wanted to now talk to me. I do hope they are able to give me some leads to giving me hope that I have some chance of finding my children. It’s such a long shot. It will be a miracle if they find them.
If you need support join our Private and Closed online Facebook Group for Child Abuse Survivors and those with CPTSD. Click here to join.