I haven’t been posting blogs since 14th October due to a hospital admission following a suicide attempt. I was admitted to the Acute Mental Health Ward where no computers or phones are allowed so could not post. Thank you to all the readers and new followers who visited the blog in my absence. The subscription continues to increase.
I was in a very bad space on October 13th dealing with vivid flashbacks and dissociative episodes from my childhood abusive past. On the eve on October 14th for the second time in four days, I cut my wrists deeply. After our experience at Campbelltown Public Hospital where we were left waiting thirty hours in a chair waiting for Mental Health and then discharged despite my husband saying I was suicidal, we drove to Hornsby Public Hospital and was seen within an hour, stitched up and admitted. The difference in treatment between the two hospitals was marked. The staff at Hornsby were respectful, kind and humane. I was fully admitted to the ward within five hours and in a bedroom safe. My partner was able to go home knowing that I was being appropriately looked after. The poor man was exhausted and traumatised from the entire event but I had dissociated into my seventeen-year old alter who is hell-bent on punishment so had no control over what I was doing. I am bitterly sorry for the anguish I cause him. I hate DID and what it is doing to my family.
As it was an Acute Ward there were some very sick and psychotic patients there. The noise level was ridiculous as some people had emotional outbursts, yelling and screaming at all times of the day and night. No amount of medication could keep you asleep throughout those times. One woman believed the only medication that would cure her was Evening Primrose Oil so Security had to be called each medication time in order to get her to take her medications. Another man had DID like me and was permanently switching between four very aggressive alters, playing scrabble with each other and fighting together over the rules. He would change seats to take turns. One woman was a member of local Opera Company and sang all the time from various Operas so hearing the television was a waste of time!!!!! Her voice was amazing but all the time was a bit much, The staff was fantastic though, really professional and compassionate.
Today I transferred to St John of God Burwood a Private Clinic. It’s heaven by comparison. I have my computer back and my phone and most of all my peace, quiet and privacy and no Opera. I had lunch with my husband which was wonderful and he brought along our dog Toby who is a Therapy Dog so I had a good dose of love from him which did me the world of good. I feel safe in this Clinic and will be glad to be seen by my psychiatrist tomorrow and debrief what has happened. I start Group Therapy tomorrow also so that will be beneficial. There is also Art Therapy here which I find really useful and a fantastic outlet for emotions. It is really well stocked so you can do just about any art form you want. I need to work very hard during this admission to reduce my suicidality and self-harm for the sake of my family. It cannot continue as it has. There has to be a breakthrough soon in therapy. I want things to go back to how they were pre 2012. I am getting a lot of professional support and have a wonderful supportive family so have to keep up the fight. I cannot let the abusers win because if I take my own life or keep harming myself that is what I am doing.