The Death Of My Horse and Scheduling

brown horse in close up photography
Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on

I’m home and exhausted after 36 hours in the public health system. I dissociated at home in the middle of the night Tuesday and cut – badly – requiring many stitches so we needed to go to the ER. We did not realise I had cut until we woke the next morning and saw the blood on the sheets. We left immediately to go to the Emergency and on the way out noticed one of the horses was down in the paddock.

We drove into the paddock and couldn’t get her up. I listened to heart rate and it was elevated and when I checked her gums they were almost white a really bad sign in a horse. Around the paddock was evidence of areas where she had gone down and scrambled to get herself up again so clearly she had been struggling throughout the night.

We ran the vet straight away who came out immediately thank goodness. He took bloods and said it didn’t look good. He white blood cell count was down and she was really anemic. He confirmed what I had already seen. Could be colic which is a generic name forĀ  a multitude range of stomach ailments in horses. It could be a twisted gut, a lipoma, or cancer. She was twenty-four so it would be plain cruel to put her through painful investigations and treatments so we made the agonising decision to euthanise her. It broke our hearts. We had her for sixteen years and she had given us a beautiful foal.

We had to leave her in the paddock and drive to the hospital to get me stitched and found ourselves caught up in the mental health system who deemed me to dangerous to discharge and Scheduled me which means I am no longer free to go home or have rights to make my own decisions. Then I was shown to a chair and left there after being stitched until I was seen 34 hours later by a psychiatrist!!!! No Food, drink, nothing. My husband went an bought me food and drink and had to leave to organise the burial of the horse.

Eventually, the psychiatrist came and I explained how I had cut myself, that it wasn’t suicidal, I was suicidal. my husband was happy to take me home, told him about the horse and how we wanted to grieve together, he said he would go and talk to my husband which he did. He came back and said the best place for me was to be at home and lifted the Schedule. There was no therapeutic benefit to be gained by my be admitted to Mental Health Unit. So a good outcome from a sensible man.


  1. I am so sorry to hear about your dear horse. Also, that you badly injured yourself again. My faith is not what it once was, but I will pray that you find a solution so that this stops Erin. I wish you had an alter that could be your protector. You weren’t cared for and protected as a child and you deserved to be. And loved.

    • Good to hear from you. Thank you for your commiserations. We will miss her dearly. She was such a sweet horse and gave us lovely foals. The paddock looked very empty without her this morning. I too wish I had a alter protector. My therapist is working on integration and we are making progress so hopefully, the self-harm will stop soon. Thanks for your thoughts once again. Hope your well. Erin

I would love to hear from you so please leave a comment. All feedback is much appreciated. Thank you. Erin

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