The Isolation I feel Because of Complex PTSD

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I’m a girl, trapped in a nightmare for the last 6 years. I have Complex PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder and co-morbid anxiety and depression. And my drowning in despair started when my mother passed away in 2004. That is bizarre and significant because she was the organiser of a paedophile ring that I was abused by for fourteen years yet I still grieve for her so I also have Stockholm Syndrome.

The diseases were already in my brain. They just needed a push, and my mother’s death was that push.

Today, I sit here writing about my experiences to help others like me and myself. But sometimes it fails to reach me. My life feels like a constant spinning top, spinning around the same incident that changed my life. I feel like there’s no way out of this one — that the only way I can get peace is to go back in time and make things right.

Complex PTSD is a rather frightening mental illness, and the isolation that comes with it is horrifying. You can’t make anyone understand. People around you have moved on but you couldn’t. You can’t. Sometimes I want the whole world to stop and stay a while with me, to endure what I am enduring. I need someone to understand this is difficult for me, and I’m not doing this on purpose. I just can’t move on.

My doctor and therapist says recovery is possible with rigorous therapy and medicines. But is it? Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I am losing faith because I’m still that trapped 20-year-old with no way out.

With post-traumatic stress disorder, there feels like there’s no escaping the monster that has confined you in isolation.

1. You can’t make people understand how lonely you are. Of course, you can’t blame people for not understanding because it’s your battle and yours alone. They can’t see that you are stuck in one moment of your life. They can’t feel it.

2. You can’t move to some place else and call it home. Every single one of us looks for a home. I’m not talking about the house we live in. I’m talking about the home in our minds. You’re lost without your home. And every other place you go to find it is just another house. You can’t find yourself.

3. Everything is a trigger. Someone says something and it reminds you of that particular moment, and there’s your trigger. You can’t visit the same place where the incident happened; it will trigger you. For me it’s hospitals. I can’t visit a hospital without getting a panic attack. This makes my life extremely difficult.

4. You’re desperate to get out of the trauma, but you just can’t. No matter how desperately you try to get out of that particular situation that made you this way, you can’t find relief. You can beg, borrow and steal for your brain, but there’s no freedom.

With all this struggle and stress, my abducted brain is tired. I’m tired. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I’ve yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it feels like forever and I don’t know if I can do it anymore. But I have to keep trying, no matter how exhausted I am, and hope in the future this girl trapped inside the nightmare can finally wake up.

 

24 comments

    • Good to heara from you. You have to cling to that dream. We WILL one day. We have to believe that. All the best Erin

      • Thanks, Erin! I’m a little so so on communication, what with being nuts and so forth. So I tend not to speak up too much in comments.
        All the best to you too! 🙂

  1. Yeah, ‘you just can’t move on’. For those who have not endured such a life sentence, it is simply not possible to understand what it is like to endure it. So very true indeed.

    • Hi Zara, good to hear from you. How are you? We have to believe it will get better because with time it will but we can’t be told to move on. It’s certainly not the right thing to say to us. Hope your well. All the best Erin.

      • Hi Erin… Hoping you are well too. You are absolutely right you know – we have to believe it will get better… no matter how hard it gets and how long it goes on. Enduring is not an option, the only option is how gracefully we walk the path of endurance.

  2. Very sorry to hear of your struggles. Sadly people who have not experienced your pain cannot understand – sending my best wishes.

    • Thank you for you kind thoughts and comment. I appreciate it. All the best for your own future; Erin

  3. On days like this it is time to do nice things for yourself. I rub scented lotions on my arms and hands.Then, I tell myself that I am safe now. I prepare a large mug of a favorite herbal tea and take time to smell the aroma and feel the comforting warmth of the cup. I rock in my chair and listen to classical music. When all else fails, I watch a movie to distract myself. Another blessing is when a friend calls — it pulls me into the present. Sometimes I can make the phone call myself but often i cannot. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.

  4. Hi Erin, all my love to you! I wish I could hug you right now but I can only pray.. and I pray you are out of your nightmare soon enough you are able to cope with all that you feel. Only focus on yourself you are right sometimes no one can understand you but you and they are not to blame. But you should know you are whole and complete and not alone. I donno if my words are helping but I hope you understand better days will be coming xoxo

    • Your kind words are warmly appreciated and mean a lot. It is good to know that someone is listening. I really appreciate you reading my blog, I really do. Thank you form the bottom of my heart. I have a good therapist I am making slow progress with her so as you say hopefully the nightmare will end soon. Thank you once. All the very best for your own future. Erin xx

    • Thanks for leaving a comment. You are right CPTSD is a daily struggle and only those that fight it understand. All the best for your future. Erin

  5. Stay strong! I also struggle with mental illness and can relate to the extreme internal battle you fight. I know you’re tired. Just take one day at a time, and don’t forget to be gentle with yourself!

    • Hi Heather, thanks for your kind and motivating words. I appreciate them and you taking the trouble to send me a message. Take good care of yourself too and all the best for the future. Erin

  6. Hi. I also have CPTSD. I am much better now. It IS posible to recover, but is a long way, certainly. Don’t lose faith. But it is crucial that you have the right kind of therapy. Have you tried EMDR? That’s the one that worked for me. I recomend it strongly. A big hug for you.

    • Thanks for getting in touch and it is wonderful to hear that you are so much better now. That is really encouraging. Yes I have heard of EMDR Therapy. I am receiving it now through my psychotherapist and making great progress with it though slowly. I have a lot of material to process. Thanks for the hug. Gratefully received. All the best Erin

      • Going through a rough patch right now so grateful for EMDR and a good psychotherapist and clinic stay. Hope your well. Erin

      • Sorry for that rough patch. 🙁 Just read your story. I am sorry that happended to you. If I could be of any help, let me know. A big hug.

      • Thanks for the offer of help. Warmly received and thanks for the hug too. Thanks for reading my story, not pretty reading !!!! All the best Erin

  7. Hi Erin, We have some similar things in our lives…for me, healing has been possible, but I don’t think I will ever fully heal. I have deep (emotional) scars that hurt when touched. I get triggered, but not as often and it doesn’t last as long. The happy and/or okay days outlast the unhappy ones. (finally) But I continue my therapy and I continue my hard work of grieving and remembering. I continue to be misunderstood and judged. But this is how I heal. I wish you comfort and healing on your journey.

    • Hi Denise, thanks for commenting and getting in touch. It is wonderful to hear of your healing journey and of how well you are doing even though you do have your tough days. It is inspiring. It helps to hear these stories in my own journey. I am on the road to recovery though it’s slow and some days seems like one step forward, two steps back!!! Thank you for your good wishes. I will keep them at the forefront of my mind. All the best for your future. Erin

I would love to hear from you so please leave a comment. All feedback is much appreciated. Thank you. Erin