I have been in the Clinic just over a week now and have recovered from my overdose and suicide attempt. The new treatment therapy I am doing with the clinical psychologist is going well and I am able to recall a traumatic event for a few seconds and then regain control again quite quickly which is huge progress for me. Normally I would dissociate.
The alters have been switching but nowhere as frequently as at home which has been a welcome rest. My ‘mother alter’ and 17-year old alter’ are still very active and are still intent on self-harm.
My psychiatrist told me yesterday that he and my psychotherapist had decided that if I self-harmed upon discharge anytime in the next two months I would be admitted to the Public Hospital System. I was shocked. I hate the Public System. I thought when I found this Clinic I would no longer have to go into the Public System. He said the reason was to deter the alters from self-harm as they too hated the Public System and they had decided that this would be a circuit breaker from the self-harm. I am very angry with them as I feel it is a threat. I have no control over the alters and don’t believe telling them they will be going to the Public System if they self-harm will deter them. They self-harm as a form of punishment for what I did as a child with the men in the paedophile ring believing me to blame for what happened.
There is no therapy in the Public System. It is only for containment and safety. I feel totally backed into a corner by the psychiatrist and the psychotherapist. It is only serving to make my alters angry and more likely to cause me self-harm as they like to be the ones who control everything and this is a form of taking control away from them.
So it’s going to be interesting times ahead upon discharge.
Yesterday I met with a Pastor from the Clinic for a coffee on the advice of my psychiatrist to discuss guilt and shame which I am riddled with from what happened to me as a child. We had a very interesting discussion and I was able to discern that guilt is “What I did” and shame is “What I am”. He told me quite categorically that I was in no way responsible for what happened to me. The Priests, Police, Politicians, my Father and friends of my parents were responsible. They were the adults and I was the child. I was the victim and I was now a survivor. He asked me to repeat those words but I just couldn’t. That is how ingrained my shame and guilt are but it was good to have a Pastor say that the Priests were guilty, not me. He said they were evil men and did very wrong things to an innocent child. Then the loveliest surprise came when he told me he was from the Salvation Army! I then told him my story of how it was The Salvation Army who took me off the streets of Dublin and organised my migration to Australia and educated me and housed me here in Sydney for two years. It was wonderful to reconnect with someone from the Army again and have the chance to say thank you to them for all they did for me. They gave me a second chance at life and a good chance it was too. I have loved my time in Australia. It is a country that has been very good to me. I have a wonderful husband and four beautiful children. I have a lot to get better for.