As I have written about recently I have been cutting a lot due to my Dissociative Identity Disorder being out of control despite sticking to my medications and attending my appointments and receiving great support from my family. It is due to horrendous flashbacks from my childhood abuse.
Well, yesterday it peaked and I took an overdose of two Webster packs and a bottle of clonazepam. I collapsed in the psychotherapist’s office and she rang for the ambulance and I was taken to the nearest hospital Campbelltown where they intubated me. My husband got an awful shock as I was fine driving up in the car going up to the appointment. Poor man what I have put him through.
I just can’t stand the voices of the alters any more. They are willing me to either kill myself or cut myself for punishment for what I did as a child. The men and my mother abused me. I had no control over what they did and was powerless to stop them. I know that as a 56-year-old woman but when I switch into the alter states I blame myself for what happened and feel nothing but shame and guilt. That is why I want to punish myself. It defies logic but that is the illogic nature of dissociation. It’s cruel.
My psychotherapist and psychiatrist are trying to get the ‘system of alter’s to work as a cohesive whole. The ‘mother alter’ and the ‘seventeen-year-old alter’ are the strongest and responsible for all the punishment. The professionals are trying not to castigate that but rather to harness their strength and use it to make Erin the present day person strong like them but not destructive. The other alters are harmless and are just frightened and need their strength too. It is going to be a slow road to healing but not an impossible one. The progress we have made so far is that all the alters will not come out and talk to the professionals and have their say. The mother is angry at Erin and wants her punished and needs to be listened to the seventeen-year-old is full of guilt and needs reassurance she did nothing wrong. This form of therapy is known to be successful though it takes time and patience. EMDR is also being used to deal with the trauma I went through as a child and teenager and to process that material.
I am still in the hospital hooked up to drips and feeling very lonely and guilty for what I am putting my family through. I will be here for a week recuperating and getting the drugs out of my system. Then it’s back to work.