As I am writing this I have a severe laceration on my right arm. I switched alters to my mother alter who is always responsible for self-harm. She has had a razor blade stashed for the last three days waiting for an opportunity to use it. Well, today she found it and used it. My husband was watering the garden while I was sewing. Out came the blade and she cut my arm deeply. The switching happened instantaneously the opportunity presented itself. She is very opportunistic and devious. She doesn’t give me a chance to call out to say she is switching or do anything to prevent it. She is hell-bent on punishment. She blames me for the abuse that was perpetrated against me as a child for fourteen years. I carry great shame and guilt for that abuse. The ironic thing is my mother was responsible for organising the paeodphile ring that carried out the abuse in Ireland all those years ago. Why she has become one my alters is a complete mystery to my therapist.
I now have to tell my partner that I have this wound that needs stitching. He will be furious obviously and very upset that yet again I have cut and he has been unable to prevent it. He does so much to look after me and takes such good care of me but she wins time and again. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a terrible disorder to have as you have no control over the switching and when it happens.
The condition typically involves the coexistence of two or more personality states within the same person. While the different personality states influence the person’s behaviour, the person is usually not aware of these personality states and experiences them as memory lapses. The other states may have different body language, voice tone, outlook on life and memories. The person may switch to another personality state when under stress. A person who has dissociative identity disorder almost always has dissociative amnesia too.
I don’t remember doing the cutting but I checked the places where I have been this afternoon and found a pool of blood beside the ground where I was sewing so obviously did it then. Oh, I am dreading telling him. He is going to be so angry. I am so nervous but I have to tell him as it needs stitches. I hate upsetting him and the stress that it causes him.
As if my past wasn’t bad enough to go through once but to be going through all this in the present is awful and the impact on my family is terrible. It’s so wrong. I feel horrible for them.