Complex PTSD is a scourge. It’s a plague. It gets into your brain and chews away at and blocks out everything else going on around you. Just when you think you have beaten it, it ruptures through your neurons and takes over your brain again and is running the show. This week has been the anniversary of my Mothers death. She was the organiser of the paedophile ring that I was a victim of for fourteen years in Ireland. I have many conflicting emotions around her death as I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome so grieve for her terribly despite everything she did. I blame myself not her bizarre as that might seem to an outsider. That is how expert the grooming techniques were.
I try so hard to beat the chronic suicidality and self-harm. I’ve been fighting the self-harm for weeks now and have finally gotten on top of it and the Dissociated Identity Disorder is under control and there have been no cutting episodes for over a week. That’s a real triumph. To get my Mother alter under control is a real coup and is a cause for celebration. It’s been done with the help of my husband. We’ve wrapped my arms in bandages and duct tape at night when the cutting was taking place to foil her. When I go to take it off, he wakes up and stops me. She has given up now that she knows she can’t get away with it anymore. We’re sleeping better I can tell you.
However, today the suicidal ideation is running rife. I am full of plans for ways to kill myself. I can’t bear it. It’s a total obsession. The guilt and shame of the past is coming over me in waves like a tsunami and I’m unable to defend myself against it. I have not left my husband’s side for fear of what I might do. I have tried suicide so many times in the past I’m terrified. I know how quickly I switch and cease a moment that he’s not looking and bang ! next thing I know I wake up in ICU with tubes coming out of everywhere. Another lucky escape. It’s no way to live. The past living in the present.
The damage paedophiles do thirty-five years ago reek havoc today in 2017 just as if it was happening again today.The flashbacks are relentless. I feel just as powerless now at 55 as I did at 6. I have done so much work under EMDR and Psychotherapy. Make great strides and progress at times and yet get nights like tonight when the power of those men takes over. My Psychotherapist is on my side. She has told me to ring her anytime I need to so that will be the first call I make in the morning. She believes me and instills faith in me. I have to believe that she can dig me out of this hole of this suicidality. Bring me back from 1960 and into 2017 with my family.
The main thing right now is to get through tonight safely. We are in for a long one. Lots of talking and watching Netflix starting with Moana !!!! Anything but going to bed. My husband is a Saint. He’ll stay up with me and keep the cups of tea coming. At times rather than talking, we’ll just text each other during the movie. Anything to maintain contact. We’ll even talk to each other on Facebook. Sounds bizarre but it works. It’s all about distraction and keeping your mind occupied and if mindlessly discussing works do it.
I’ve talked to Lifeline 13 1144 (Australia) and they were good. Again another distraction and good tips on how to get from hour to hour because let’s face it when you’re in this state that’s all you can do. Life slows down into excruciating tiny seconds of survival. You have to reach out to who you can. Have the name and numbers of contacts in your phone that you can speed dial immediately and waste no time in calling them. Make sure they are people you can trust. Have the conversation with them before hand that they might get a call from you and be sure they are okay with it. You can’t afford rejection at a time like this.
It’s the next day and I made it through the night. I didn’t post this yesterday and I’m glad I didn’t. It would have been self-indulgent and selfish to do so but hopefully getting through and how might help some one else. I feel like I’ve run a marathon and am not out of the woods yet but am in a better space than I was yesterday. I go to see my Psychotherapist tomorrow and have spoken to her today so am more level. Now for some sleep.