Over the last five weeks, my Mother Alter has been running the show. As I’ve been writing in my blog she has been causing havoc, dominating all the other alters, demanding self-harm, one suicide attempt and rarely letting me be present. This is a rare moment of peace so I can write at last.
Last Thursday at my Psychotherapy session she made an appearance and forcefully engaged with the Therapist who had been talking about lending me a ring as a sign of alliance as she was going to India for two weeks and I go through really bad abandonment anxiety when she goes away. She thought this along with a recording of her voice saying she was coming back and the date might soothe my anxieties. Normally she texts me a couple of times when she’s away but she wanted to add an extra layer of confidence as I had been so suicidal of late.
My mother rudely and sharply told the Therapist that on no account was she to give “the little bitch” the ring and that if she did “she would pay for it”. She continued on in that vein, threatening the Therapist and yelling at her. The Therapist calmly told her that the contract was between Erin and her and she had no right to interfere and that she had no intention of acquiescing to her demands. This infuriated my mother even further and she proceeded to throw objects around the room, cushions went flying, tissue box was thrown at the window and she snatched the Therapists’ notes and tore them up, all the while screaming and yelling.
The Therapist got up and picked up the objects, placed the room in order again and said that behaviour would not be tolerated in her sessions. If my mother could not behave in a proper way she would have to leave and allow Erin to come back so they could commence EMDR or agree to EMDR herself. That’s when the insults about how the Therapist dresses started. Again the Therapist said that behaviour was out of order and civility needed to be restored. She reiterated that she would be giving me the ring at the end of the session. She kept repeating this over the top of my mother’s insults and it was at this point that I could feel the aura happening that a switch was going to occur.
The switch happened and I became present day Erin. The power of the Therapist’s belief in me coming back and her repeatedly talking over the top of my mother had worked. She did not allow my mother to bully her as she had done to everyone else all her life and it forced her into submission. She hasn’t stayed there but it was amazing to see that she could be put into remission and my present day self-allowed to come forward. I have the ring and she won’t let me go near it. I’ve given it to my husband for safe keeping in case she does something nasty to it and I’ll only use it in his presence and not let him tell me where it is.
If I can somehow learn a technique of not allowing my mother alter to dominate me how much safer would I be? How much better would my life be? Lots of work ahead!