Recently following a suicide attempt my psychiatrist changed my medications in the hopes a change in regime would lift the depression and help with the Complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder both of whose symptoms are really out of control right now.
The antidepressant is working and my head is clearer. I am thinking more positively again and can even read a book and retain the information contained therein. The C-PTSD and DID symptoms are still the same but will improve as they take some time to work and therapy is the main line of treatment for these conditions. My mother Alter still rules the roost and is driving me towards suicidality when she can. My husband is doing an awesome job along with my psychotherapist at keeping me safe.
My dilemma is the medications are making me feel terrible. Totally lethargic, exhausted all the time and with no motivation other than barely able to put one foot in front of the other. At first, I thought it was deconditioning from being in the Mental Health Clinic for eleven weeks following the suicide attempts. It’s a disgrace but in the public health system, there is no way to exercise so you lose all your fitness which creates a whole problem in its self. I had my iron levels checked and I’m not anemic so it has to be the medications.
So my problem is I can’t stand to go on feeling physically like this. It’s driving me crazy to feel so physically unable to do anything. I just don’t think the medication is worth it but my options are so limited as I have been on so many antidepressants that haven’t worked in the past or I put on so much weight it was dangerous to my health. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and explained the problem to her. She has persuaded me to stay on the Brintillix until January 15 (another month) to make sure it’s not the deconditioning. She wants me to push through and keep exercising every day!!!!! What a mountainous task. If she only knew how hard that was. I’ll do it as I don’t want to get depressed again, that’s an awful prospect and I can’t afford to with my chronic suicidality. So another month it is.
Oh I hate being on medication, I hate C-PTSD and DID. I hate chronic suicidality but push on I will. A lot depends on it.