It’s Thursday again. 11 am appointment time with my Psychotherapist. Not a minute too soon. Last spoke to her for a telephone consultation on Tuesday night. That just about got me through to this appointment.
We processed the forty-eight hours in between. The flashbacks, the nightmares and how they ratcheted up my suicidality. My Mother alter (Dissociative Identity Disorder) was rabbiting away in my brain and I was switching quickly between the various alters making life very chaotic at home and difficult for my husband.
We were using various safety strategies to ensure no cutting took place and it had worked a treat. The cutting had been taking place at night using hidden blades that only my Mother knew where they were. It involved wearing stretch bandages, wrapped in duct tape. I did try and take it off in my sleep but my husband could wake me up and stop me. I had told my Therapist at the last session there were no more razor blades and this appeared to be the case which was a huge relief to everyone. My Mother was hatching other plans however but wouldn’t let me tell the Therapist what they were.
We commenced EMDR after talking for an hour and I immediately became upset and distressed re-experiencing a past event. The effects of EMDR happen very quickly with me, taking me to a past occurrence swiftly. It was an event that we had been working on for some time and I was increasingly finding it hard to tolerate. It involved the abuse of another child not myself. Other children were brought from the local Industrial Boarding School to the room for the men. It was a highly organised paedophile ring involving local Police, Clergy and Politicians. During the Summer visitors came from England and moored their yachts in the Harbour. I recall being taken out to one such yacht that had a wooden fish mounted on a plaque on the wall. Strange the things and details you recall.
It distressed me enormously re-living what this child was going through but it helped enormously after the EMDR processing the event and sharing it with the Therapist. She went to great pains to assure me that there was nothing I could have done to have prevented it or stopped it, as I was only a child myself. She always worked hard to try to encourage me to divulge myself of any shame, guilt or self-blame for what had happened to me. We were slowly processing each event in this manner and with fourteen years to deal with it was taking quite some time. Being chronically suicidal and having Dissociative Identity Disorder muddied the waters considerably as the alters interfered with therapy and often worked against the Therapist. Her expertise in the area allowed her to work with both the Complex PTSD, Sexual Abuse and DID and make progress. I was truly lucky to have been referred to her.
I would encourage any sexual abuse victim to consider EMDR but it is vital that you process what comes up under the treatment. It is to difficult to process it on your own and without the expertise of a Psychotherapist.