My psychiatrist is back from his overseas Conference and we had our first consultation this morning. As said in my previous blogs I was impressed with his locum and will probably take him on as my permanent psychiatrist in June when my current one retires which is going to be a difficult time.
Right now the decision is about discharge from the clinic and the safety around that. I am still suicidal but really want to go home and obviously cannot stay indefinitely. My psychotherapist is totally against discharge deeming it too dangerous and my husband is very nervous questioning his ability to keep me safe. Me. Well, I am always in two minds. I want to go home to be able to harm myself but I also want to go home to genuinely be with my family. There are always two sides pulling me apart and I have little control over either such is the problem. The dissociation is what causes the danger and when I loose a grip on reality. That is when suicidality looms as a real and ever present menace with all too real consequences. The trauma of the flashbacks become too overwhelming and I dissociate and cope the one way I know how. It is horrific for my family and I know that. It is not a selfish act as some would think but rather a desperate act of someone so traumatised from their past they remove themselves from the present as it’s too painful.
Inroads have been made and some strategies work some of the time. It is a question of implementing these strategies before the dissociation can take a hold and that is not always possible depending on the strength of the flashback. At times like now with the news from Syria stress is heightened and fear is increased. Leaders like Trump and Assad instill more fear and now today the bombing of the Coptic Christians in Egypt. These are triggers and impossible to control. However, through working with my psychotherapist I will combat these triggers and fight this battle and join the survivors who are such an inspiration. I have to. In the meantime I have to negotiate discharge from the clinic !!!!!!! He has tentatively said Thursday to be confirmed on Wednesday so fingers crossed.