Today as I write I am in the clinic again recovering from another suicide attempt. It was an overdose this time. This attempt had a specific trigger. When I was fourteen, fifteen and sixteen I gave birth to three little girls. They were each taken away from me immediately by my mother and I never knew what happened to them and to this day have never been able to find out any information on their whereabouts. At the time I was not even aware with the first two that they were even babies !!!! I had no idea about pregnancy whatsoever, birth let alone conception. The trigger this time was the discovery in Ireland of a mass grave in Tuam, Co Galway in a septic tank in the grounds of a Mother and Babies Home run by the Bon Secour Nuns. Over 800 children’s bodies were found ranging in age from 1 month to seven years with no records.
I was driven to torment that the possibility existed that my babies may have met such a fate. I never got to hold them, did not protect them, did not prevent my mother from taking them away. The logic that I was only an innocent child myself leaves me at times like this and I am consumed by guilt that I did not do enough to save my babies and therefore do not deserve the four children I have and I quickly spiral into suicidality. I am in a chronic suicidal state and it does not take much to tip me into crisis. This horrific discovery certainly did. So here I am yet again recovering, trying to get back on track. Flashbacks are acute and visions of my children are vivid. I am working hard with my psychotherapist and EMDR is helping to dissipate the flashbacks. Hoping to go home soon.